Flower in the Mountain

I was once amazed with this certain mountain. I watched it constantly and praised every angle of it. I came to a realization that I love that mountain.

One day I decided to take a closer look. I wanted to climb it so that I could fully embrace the wholeness of my newly found love. I don’t know if it was the right move, because while I was making my way on its peak, I saw this lovely flower. It is bright yellow with seven delicate petals, a few green leaves gracefully sticking out from its fine stem.

Then it struck me. It was not the mountain that I have loved, it was you. I was so busy looking at that mountain, whereas it was really you who I saw. Your beauty had emanated from within its deep forest. Now I know it was you who I saw.

I sat down at the soft earth and looked at the flower. I whispered… “I wish you were mine.”

Under the Umbrella

A month more to go…

Morgan was sitting near his window, watching the rain fall… listening intently to it. He’s been like this for more than two hours. There was a certain twinkle in his eyes, and in his mind he was thinking about the perfect line. He’s silently praying for those divine words to come to his mind so that he can win back the life and love he had lost.

It is as if destiny was on his side, because just below his apartment he saw Remora gliding along the road with no umbrella, walking as if she’s going nowhere. Morgan was expecting to see Remora’s husband Leo, but he’s nowhere in sight. It’s just Remora and the rain. He hurriedly went down and brought with him his big black umbrella. Morgan hastily opened it and ran after Remora.

“Why are you here? What are you doing walking around with no umbrella, and it’s raining like hell?” He said.

“It’s because I feel strong when it’s raining and I’m outside taking all its blows. All the blows the rain could give… until it gives up and stops raining.” She replied.

“You’ve never changed… just like when I first saw you. Just like the moment I realized that I love you.”

Remora was stunned when she heard that, and she retorted. “How could you say these things? You know I’m already married with Leo… you know that I chose him!

Under the umbrella, Remora’s tears trickled down her cheeks and mixed with the raindrops on her face. Morgan knew that look on remora’s eyes and even if he said nothing, Remora knew Morgan understood what she’s hiding. She had spilled the secret.

For a few minutes they just looked at each other, and Remora’s river of tears was still flowing. Morgan closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened it he looked straight at remora’s eyes and said, “If only death could separate the two of you, then I would hope that I could love you, and you could love me in heaven.”

Morgan closed the umbrella , turned his back and walked back home while it’s still raining.

my tears for rain

the sky cried with me tonight,

the wind sang me a song… my song.

It’s filled with sorrow and hate.

Altogether, the sky, the wind and my heart…

we played a tune.

That’s all the band could do, to sing.

Sing!

That’s all we could do.

After this soiree,

our song will be forgotten.

So are the pains and sorrow.

Sing!

Make that dreadful feeling flow with the notes;

Hum… until it’s forgotten.

how i hate spoilers

*** Note: If you’re a fan and you haven’t read the Harry Potter thing
yet, please do not continue reading, for I will be putting spoilers in
this entry. Wouldn’t want to commit the same bloody mistake.

I went to his friend’s place not knowing the horror that I would
experience within the course of fifteen minutes or so. I was listening
to their conversation. I really don’t know what they’re talking about
since I don’t know the persons involved in their “chismis” session, so
I just smile whenever she throws a joke or I feel like they’re talking
about something funny.

Now comes the horror part. She said, “Harry Potter’s out!” It was like
a week ago since the book was released, so I saved my reaction and just
smiled. I never expected the next question. “Who’s the Half Blood
prince?” And without warning, he answered the f*cking question.
“Snape!” I felt nauseous for a while, then I just managed to look at
him and say, “Spoiler!” That’s all I could say. The excitement drifted
away from me. More than a year of waiting… then I got the answer
without reading the book first. She consoled me and said, “That’s ok,
mababasa pa rin naman natin yun.”

That happening hasn’t really sunk into my brain just yet, so I was
still composed. And I really can’t imagine me wreaking havoc at his
friend’s place. They were still talking about it, and I still managed
not to let out the monster in me. Then another freaking question came.
My reaction and reflexes were not that fast yet, because I was still
shocked about Snape being the Half Blood Prince. “Who died?” Without
hesitation, he answered the question, “Dumbledore.” That’s it. My mind
went blank. My favorite character, dead… isn’t that sweet?

I’ve forgiven him for giving the spoilers. Nakakasama lang talaga ng
loob. After more than a year of excitement. Then kakabili lang ng
sister ko ng book kanina. Sana tinanong man lang nya ko if ok lang sa
kin na sabihin. Sana lumabas na lang ako nung mga panahon na yun. Sana
hindi na lang kami nagpunta sa bahay nung kaibigan nya. Hindi ako
nabigyan ng opportunity na maenjoy yung book. I don’t want to read the
thing anymore, kasi I’ve lost interest na. Pakiramdam ko maiinis lang
ako pag binasa ko kasi alam ko na mangyayari, para kong
nakikipaglokohan sa sarili ko. But looking on the bright side, hindi ko
na kailangang basahin ang pagkakapal-kapal na libro. Aantayin ko na
lang siguro sa movie house, kahit medyo matagal pa. Ayan, gumagaan na
pakiramdam ko…

isang kahayupan

Pagkagising ko kaning umaga, binungaran ako ng nanay ko ng isang
nakakahilakbot na kwento. Meron daw isang babae na kakatapos lang ng
High School dito sa isang Catholic school na malapit sa amin ang
nasagasaan. Ang balitang kumalat ay nabundol siya habang naglalakad sa
kalsada galing sa kanyang dating eskwelahan. Habang akmang pupulutin
ang kanyang mga gamit at nakaupo pa rin sa kalsada, inatrasan siya ng
walang kaluluwang driver. Pagkatapos nito ay akmang tatakasan pa ang
kahayupang ginawa.

Maraming nakakita sa ginawa nitong walang kaluluwang driver na ito.
Isang kapitbahay ang nagsabing balikat lang daw ang napinsala sa dalaga
kung hindi ito inatrasan pa ng driver. Kitang kita nya raw habang
nagkikikisay ang kawawang bata. Dead on arrival siya.

Hindi ko lubos maisip na may ganung klase ng tao. Hindi ko alam kung
ano ang pumasok sa isip ng lalaking ito kaya nya nagawa ang ganoon.
Anong ispiritu kaya ang pumasok sa kanya? Nakakatulog pa kaya siya?
Makakatulog pa kaya siya?

Naisip ko bigla. Hindi lang sa ganung bagay nagiging hayop ang isang
tao. Masyadong halata ang ganitong klase ng sitwasyon… masasabi mo agad
na masamang tao ito dahil namatay na agad ang kanyang biktima. Pano na
kaya yung mga intrigero/intrigera? Yung mga mahilig manira ng kapwa?
Yung mga mahilig gumawa ng masama dahil sa inggit at galit? Hindi kaya
nila naiisip na dahan dahan nilang pinapatay yung kanilang biktima?
Hindi kaya mas hayop yun? Para na rin silang yung mamang nasikmurang
atrasan yung kawawang bata.

Pano kung yung tinapon mong plastic bag sa daan dati ay naapakan ng
isang matanda tapos nabagok ang ulo, tapos namatay. Ako kaya ilan na
ang napatay ko? Gaanong kahayop ako? Ikaw?

and you happened

Three years ago, I was a newbie to this world… the sun never shone on me.

I met my first love… the sun never shone on me.

I became a horrible creature with pessimistic views… the sun never shone on me.

I loved again… once… twice… a million times.

They broke my heart… once… twice… a million times.

The sun never shone on me.

One day… I was overwhelmed by the blazing sunlight.

Closer and closer it came.

It was not sunlight…

It was you.

where my strength ends

You were a hurting heart. The forces had brought me to a long road, and
I faced each challenges; Each and every one of them. There have been
defeats, but I have learned to pick myself up, get my sword and
continue battling with the wars I have started. I have lived the dark
ages of my life to the fullest. There, you can see a strong man laden
with guilt, but still keeps a stern face. I am the winner.

No, I held my tears back; for this is not the time to cry… this is the
time to celebrate. But the cruel thing is, I don’t have anyone to
celebrate it with. I am the one man army. I am the strong and brave man
that had fought all my battles alone. I am the one who’s victorious.
But I have no one…

You were a hurting heart, so was I.

I found you, and you found me, in the road of never ending sorrow. You
found me indifferent to the feeling. Tougher than anyone you have ever
seen. I greeted you with a smile, and embraced you with so much
longing… someone at last. You have a past and I never wanted you to
look back, so I just embraced you and gave you the love I never gave to
them. And in our sweet embrace I cried everything away. My God had
given me another chance. You made me love Him more.

When I found you all I wanted was to cure your grief. You ended up curing mine

Paalam sa Kahapong Kay Dilim

Ayoko nang marinig ang tunog ng mga kuliglig sa kaakit-akit na gabi.
Wari ko’y sila’y nagsasaya habang ako’y nandirito’t nagdurusa sa bawat
minuto na naisip kong ika’y wala na. Hanggang kamatayan, ako’y
magluluksa sa iyong pagkawala sa aking buhay. Ninakaw mo sa akin ang
ligaya na dati kong pinagkukuhaan ng lakas. Ang pag-ibig na dating
nagpapaikot sa aking buhay.

Ngayon, kasabay ng aking pagdadalamhati ay umaagos ang luha. Mga butil
na isa-isang nagdadaan sa aking mga labi. Nalalasahan ko ang alat at
pait ng pagdurusa na ikaw lamang ang nagparanas sa akin. Kahit ang mga
luhang ito ay magiging simbulo ng pagpasok mo sa buhay ko.

Buong tapang ko mang sabihin na kakalimutan kita, idudukdok sa akin ng
aking puso at isipan ang mga kasinungalingan na aking binibigkas. Wala
akong niloloko kundi ang aking sarili.

Nasasaktan ako nang husto noon.

Hindi maapuhap ang naglalagablab na apoy ng galit at sakit sa aking
puso. Habambuhay na lang ba akong iiyak? Habambuhay na lamang ba akong
magdurusa? Habambuhay ko na lang bang malalasahan ang alat at pait ng
mga luha na iniiyak ko para sa iyo?

Ngayon, sasabihin kong muli na hindi na kita mahal. Hindi na iimik ang
aking puso at isipan sa pagbigkas ko niyon. Sapagkat alam nila na iyon
ang pawang katotohanan. Umiibig akong muli. Napagod na ko sa kakaantay.
Napagod na akong umasa. Napagod na ako sa pagmamahal sa iyo.

Mapapaisip na lang ako bigla at matatawa sa katangahang aking ipinamalas.

At sa iyo bagong pag-ibig, aking wiwikain, “Sana’y dati ka pa dumating. Napakatagal kitang inantay.”

Kakalimutan ko silang lahat… Ikaw ang pag-ibig ko ngayon. ‘Yun ang mahalaga.

011785 GdG

Nasasaktan na Yata Ako

Is this your way of saying no?

I could take it if you say it in my face, or in a letter, or in an
e-mail, or whatever type of communication you like. Believe me, I can
take it.

I would be hurt, if ever you say no, but in this kind of situation, you’re hurting me more.

I really don’t know how to feel. I feel like I’m in no position for
anything. I can’t be angry, I can’t be sad, I can’t make you say yes or
no. I have no right for that. All I can do is wait.

Shall I beg for an answer? Tell me and I will beg for it.

I am so impatient about it, but still I have to slap myself. I remembered, I have no right to be impatient.

How am I supposed to feel? Please tell me. Only you have the answer.

Only you have to power to release me.

Why?

Maybe it’s because I love you that much, that I allowed myself to be into this.

Aray

Aray! Bakit masakit? Kinurot ka? Sinundot? Nilapirot? Hindi…
nasaktan ako dahil sa pag-ibig. Ako ay isang sawi… ang korni pakinggan…
meron pa bang ganto? Hahaha! Nanganak ngayon yung isa kong aso… may
nagmahal ba sa kanya kaya siya nabuntis, at siya’y nanganak?

Bakit ako umaaray? Masakit e! Ikaw ba naman ang… hahaha! Ayoko na
magsalita, baka kakilala nyo pa. Basta masakit(itanong nyo na alng sa
kin, baka nasa oras ako ng daldal at masabi ko sa inyo). Gaya nung
sinulat ko sa kabila, andun na yung mga problema. Kailangan ko pa rin
ng kasagutan. Masakit… alin? Lahat! Pati iyon? OO, pati iyon… hahaha!

Kailangan bang umaray? Oo naman. Pag nasaktan ka kailangan mong
sabihing Aray! Buong tapang, at labas ngalangala! ARAY! Hindi ka
makukuntento ng hindi umaray. Masakit eh! Pakialam nila, ikaw yung
nasaktan, karapatan mo yun. Kaya pag hindi ako nakapagpigil, pipiyok na
ko. Ilang panahon na lang. Pinaghahandaan ko ang araw ng pagtatapat.
Haharap ako sa kanya(kung sino man yun) at sisigawan ko ng ARAY! Foul
na yun ah, sobra nang sakit. Isipin na ang dapat isipin ng kung sino
man, kasehodang me paki o wala, mga naninira o nakikisimpatya. Isisigaw
ko iyon ng nakikita nya ang kalembang ng aking lalamunan.

Dati pa-“demure” pa ko kung umaray. Hindi tahasan, may laman naman
kahit papano. Kasi naman sa mga argumento ako’y nagpapatalo. Ganun ako
kamartir. Sabagay gusto ko naman yun. Masarap din yung minsan kayong
nag-aaway. Away lambing ba. Mahilig ako sa ganun. Nagpapatalo naman
ako. Pero huwag antaying ako’y mapuno. Sapagkat parang ano na
nilalabasan ng ano (bulkan na nilalabasan ng kumukulong asupre,
hahaha!), ang aking bunganga. Hindi pa naman nangyayari yun, wag kayong
mag-alala. Nagiging imaginative lang ako.

Masasabi ko lang sa mga nagbabasa nito (pinagtyagaan mo talagang
basahin hanggang dito), umaray pag kinakailangan. Wag akong gayahin na
nagpapaloko at nagpapaalipusta(naks, baka isipin naman nila ako lagi
yung kawawa, mas madalas ata na ako yung nanghaharass ), wag mahiyang
umaray. Libre lang yan, walang bayad

Guess this is Goodnight…

“Say Goodnight
Not Goodbye
You can never leave my heart behind…”
Beth Nielsen Chapman

Ngayon ko lang narealize na magkakaron ng isang malaking
pagbabago sa buhay ko. Akala ko noon, matatapos at matatapos ang yugto ng buhay
ko ng walang magandang mangyayari, dahil pumasok ako na isang estranghero sa
isang grupo ng mga tao na nasa Block ng Information Management o IM.

            Hindi
maganda ang reputasyon ng course at block na ito, sapagkat kumakalat ang
balitang nagiging tapunan lang sila ng mga bagsak. Galing ng Computer Science,
napakabigat ng loob ko na pumasok sa kursong ito… ngunit simula ito ng aking
pagkapahiya sa aking sarili. Sa kurso at eskwelahang minsang aking itinakwil ko
nakita ang mga bagay na hindi ko maipagpapalit, mga kaibigang ipaglalaban ko ng
patayan, samahan na di mababayaran at mapapantayan.

            Gusto kong
isa-isahin ang mga tao na nagbigay ng kulay sa aking munting mundo. Mga taong
nagbigay ng kontribusyon sa akin, rason kaya ako’y nagging ako. Mga taong
nagpasaya at nagpalungkot sa akin. Grupo grupo…

            Sa mga
kagrupo ko, wala pa kayo dito… Hehehe! Sa ibang entry ko kayo ilalagay.

IBUGZZ

Samahan ng mga talentadong mga nilalang. Naging sanhi ng
malaking tuwa para sa kin. Madaming kaharutan dito sa grupong ito. Papangunahan
ko na kayo… salamat.

Jeri

Lider ng grupo. Magaling siyang kumanta, idol ko nga yan eh.
Minsan nakakasama ko sa mga gimik, masayang kasama tsaka madaldal. Nung una
kala ko suplado kaya di ko pinagpapapansin, mabait naman pala. Isa sa mga di ko
makakalimutan na moments ay yung nagpipilitan kaming kumanta para sa seminar…
pasensiya na talaga… di kasi ako performer. Pero I regret the day na hindi ako
kumanta. It’s an opportunity I’ve wasted. Sa lahat lahat… salamat. Mamimiss ko
yung mga pangungulit mo sa kin.

Monette Quinto

Isa pa sa mga kaharutan ko. 2^nd year nung una ko
siyang nakaklase… medyo di ko pa nga siya kinakausap nun kasi akala ko mataray.
Nasa features kasi, kaya lang nung nakausap ko na, mabait pala siya pati
makulit. Pareho kaming abnormal. Ang galling nitong kumanta, tuwang tuwa nga
ako apg sabay kaming nakanta. Pakiramdam ko star na rin ako. Pasensiya na rin
say o netchay, di ko sinasadyang iwanan kayo, di lang kasi ako talaga ganung
kagaling kumanta. Mamimiss ko din yung kakulitan mo pati yung tinis ng boses
mo. Wala nang kukulit and mangingiliti sa kin habang nagklaklase

Joanne

Isa pang kulentong, picture-picture kami lagi. Kahit saan,
basta may opportunity… picture! Hahaha! Masaya din siya kasama… madalas
kinakabag ako sa kanya sa kakulitan. Wala akong masabi kasi sobrang kulit! In a
good way naman yun, kasi naaaliw pa naman ako sa kanya. Akala ko din kasi
suplada siya kaya di ko kinakausap, madalas lang talaga akong magkamali. Sana may moments pa ulit
na makakulitan ko kayo.

Al

Kahit lagi ko yan niloloko, bait naman yang si Al. Natutuwa
ako sa kanya kahit minsan medyo sumosobra sa pagkakulit and tumatalim ang dila.
Ang di ko makakalimutang moment ko na kasama si Al e yung sa swimming. Ka-team
ko kasi siya, and lagi kaming panalo. Mamimiss ko din yung mga show niya sa
school, tawa ko ng tawa. Kahit kakatapos lang ng defense, pag nandyan si Al…
masaya.

Ann

Ngayon ko lang din naappreciate itong si Ann. Kasi akala ko
dati intrimitida. Di ko alam kung bakit pag kasama ko to aliw na aliw ako.
Hahaha! Ok siya kasama, pati laging may mga tag-lines na titimo sa utak mo. Mga
one liners na magkakandatae ka sa pagtawa. Magkikita pa rin tayo… dito lang
naman sa may amin yung bahay ng asawa mo. Pero mamimiss ko pa din yung mga usap
usap sa jeep at yung mga kulitan natin.

Glenn

Si Glenn na tahimik. I didn’t have the opportunity to get to
know this guy. Feeling ko kasi marami siyang tinatago. Minsan naman
nagkwekwento siya, hindi ko maintindihan, pero kung iintindihin mo malalaman
mong may utak itong taong to. Hindi ko alam sa kanya kung pretentious lang
siya, pero I’m quite sure na matalino tong si Glenn.

Bebang

Nakaktuwa kasi she embraced me when kakilala pa lang naming.
Hindi embrace na literal, but she accepted me open arms. Isa siya sa mga
pinakauna kong naka-close sa ibang group. Mabait kasi siya, maaalalahanin,
mahilig mambati and lagging nakangiti. Lagi nya din ako pinapatawa, pati
pinaramdam nya sa kin na hindi ako ibang tao. Bebs, mamimiss kita, sobra!

ORTHANC

Ang laki ng pasasalamat ko sa grupong ito kasi di nila kami
pinabayaan. Naramdaman ko na tao ako and na may worth ako. Inalagaan nila ako
ng husto lalo na nung mga oras na kailangan naming ni Macre ng kaibigan… wala
akong masabi kasi kahit ibang tao kami, open arms kaming tinanggap at pinapasok
sa grupo nila. Salamat, Salamat, at Salamat. Aaminin ko na pinagsisisihan ko na
hindi ko kayo kinilala dati pa.

Charmaine

Wala akong masabi. Pakiramdam ko mas concerned pa siya sa
min noon kesa sa iba naming mga kaibigan, minsan nga mas worried pa siya sa
kin. Lumalakas ang loob ko na makipag-battle sa mga course ko sa  IM. Never niyang ipinaramdam na ibang tao ako.
Hindi ko siya kinakausap kasi big time sa IM yan eh. Leader ng mga leaders. Yun
pala, magiging isa sa mga closest peeps sa puso ko. Anong di ko makakalimutan?
Lahat, masaya kasi ako pag kasama ko siya eh. Kwentuhan kami sa jeep habang pauwi,
kainan at usapan sa may kwekwekan, habang naglalakad sa corridors ng PLM, sa
loob ng classroom, kuhaan ng pictures, kulitan, asaran… lahat! Meyn salamat
talaga, di ko alam kung sino si Genesis kung wala si Charmaine… di ko alam kung
pano kita papasalamatan. Aaminin ko nalulungkot ako ng husto kasi aalis ka na.
Pero masaya na rin ako kasi tapos na yung mga paghihirap mo… you won’t be
living for us na… ikaw naman ngayon… pwede mo nang isipin ang sarili mo.
Salamat ng madaming madami. You will be missed.

Kat

Alam ko dati medyo ilag ka sa kin, kaya mailap din ako sa
yo. Nagulat ako nung bigla ka na lang nagopen-up sa kin. Malaking bagay sa kin
kasi yung pagkatiwalaan ako ng isang tao. Naappreciate ko din yung mga tulong
mo sa kin and yung pagiging concerned mo. Hindi ko makakalimutan yung mga usap
usap natin sa phone, sa chat, sa school. Napakalaking bagay na nun para sa kin.
Kahit ngayon lang kita nakilala ng husto, pakiramdam ko established na yung
pagkakaibigan natin. I sure hope na in the future, ganun pa rin tayo. Mamimiss
ko kayo in uniform… something na hindi ko na ulit makikita.

Alvin

Isa din siya sa mga dating ilag na ilag sa kin. Naaaliw ako
na all of a sudden, nakikiapg-joke na siya sa amin. In a way eased na rin siya
with us, and I’ll take it as a sign na ok na kami. Ganun naman kasi siya
talaga, tahimik at mahilig sa one-liner na malaman. Ang di ko makakalimutang
moments na kasama ko si Alvin
eh yung sa dalawang swimming and dun sa bahay nila. Dun ko nadiscover ang mga
kakulitan niya sa buhay. Kahit na tatahi-tahimik, dami rin palang kalokohan na
alam. Balang araw… sabi nga ni Mam Cabangon, magiging co-professional ko na din
kayo. Antay-antay lang J

Monette Y and Rose

Tingin ko sa kanila iisa lang. Para
kasi silang magkapatid. Lagi magkasama, kaya eto, pati dito pagsasamahin ko na
rin kayo. Iniirap-irapan pa ko dati nitong si Monette, ang taray eh no? Pero
wag ka, isa sila sa mga unang tumanggap sa min sa grupo nila.  Nakaktuwa silang dalawa, kasi tuwang tuwa
sila sa presence ko. Feeling ko walking teddy bear ako with them. Hahahaha!
Ibang klase rin sila makipagkulitan. Masarap asarin si Monette, kasi inde siya
napipikon, si Rose naman pag inasar mo tatahimik lang. Hindi ako nahirapang
pakisamahan sila, kasi napakadali nilang intindihin, tsaka hindi nila
ipaparamdam sa yon a kakaiba ka. Pantay lang kayo by level, parang ganun. Hindi
ko makakalimutan na moments ko with them is habang naghahabol and nagpapacheck
kami ng thesis. Hindi nila kami iniwanan hanggang huli, kami ang magkakasama.
Sa swimming din, lahat ng mga harutan. Rose and Monette, mamimiss ko kayo. Sa
totoo lang naiiyak ako habang sinusulat ko to, kasi pag pasok ko ng classroom
next sem, wala nang babati sa kin. Di ko na maririnig yung Gepeeeeeeeeeee!
Pagpasok ko…

Joeie

Nagkakasundo kami nito sa laitan. Oo aaminin ko, isa din ako
sa mga malakas manlait. Hindi ko alam, basta pag nanlalait ako tapos andun si
Joeie, parang napakadali lang. Siguro impluwensiya nya yun sa kin… hahahaha!
Hindi joke lang, natural lang akong laitero. Gusto ko siyang magsalita kasi
direct to the point, walang paligoy-ligoy. Tumbukan agad. Memories with joeie…
hmmm… yung mga kulitan naming sa classroom, mga tawanang walang humpay, at
siyempre… ang laitan sa chatroom… remember Pusit? Haaaaaaaaaay… ngayon pa alng
miss na kita Joeie! Hehehe!

Voltaire and Mon

I really didn’t have the opportunity to get to know these
guys better. And since madalas ko din kayo makitang magkasama, pagsasamahin ko
na rin kayo dito.. hahaha! Pareho silang musically inclined, and mahilig
mag-drawing. Dun sila nagkakasundo, and dun ko sila makakasundo. Mahilig kasi
tumugtog si Voltaire, and habang tumutugtog siya, I’m secretly singing the song
in my head. Si Mon naman galling din kanta, kaya ayun minsan nakikisababay na
lang. uy, mamimiss ko din kayo! Hehehe!

            Sa mga
susunod naman, hindi ko sila kablock… ngayon ko nga lang din sila nakilala.
Pero gusto ko kasama sila dito, kasi mabait sila sa kin. I want them to know
the kahit saglit lang yung naspend kong time with them… nappreciate ko talaga…

Alvie

Aaminin ko na rin, nagsisisi ako na hindi ko kayo nakilala
dati pa(lagi eto sinasabi no?). I never knew I could find someone from IT na
makakausap ko and makaka-close ko. I’m just comfortable with you guys. Hindi ko
makakalimutan na moment ko na kasama ko si Alvie is yung nasa may Faculty kami,
then andun siya, and inintroduce siya sa kin ni Alvin. It all started there.
Parang bigla lang kaming nagkakilala, kasi napadaan lang ako dun, and just so
happened na andun din siya. Until, nagkausap sa chat then nagkakilala. Then
yung gradball, then ngayon. Sayang din a kita makikita sa school as a student
and as kakulitan J
Sana kahit sa
sandaling time na nagkakilala tayo, di mo ko makalimutan.

Lean

Nakakahiya, kasi kilala ko lang siya sa mukha. Makakalimutin
kasi ako talaga sa pangalan, kaya nung tinanong nya ko kung kakilala ko siya di
ako makasagot. Ngayon kilala na kita. Hehehe! I’m looking forward to getting to
know you better. Since friend ka ni meyn and nakasama and naakusap na rin nama
kita, I know na magkakasundo din tayo.

I want you guys to know that sa Graduation, I will be
cheering for you guys. Hindi ko man naabot yung naabot nyo ngayon, in due time
dadating din ako dun. I’ll be the guy standing at the back, secretly rejoicing
for your success.

i am strong

In a diversity of emotions, i’ve found myself trapped in between
reality and a dreamy phase. I’ve been experiencing this for a number of
years now. I battled with it, in combination with all my worries and
madness that had attacked me with such power, i almost came to an end.

I can say I am strong. I came battling with it in my very field, me
being on the front row. I commanded my thoughts and managed to emerge
as a winner. I’ve reduced them to almost nothing, with their souls
screaming in anger… their voices left unheard.

Peace carried me in my sleep, the very day the war ended. The lullaby
was so enchanting it’s as if I’m in a trance, savouring my powerful
moments, and the bittersweet victory it had brought forth. I felt that
time was on my side.

But even if i had won, there are a lot of things I’ve lost.

I’ve lost the person that I used to be.

I’ve lost some friends.

I’ve lost things i used to believe in and hold on to.

… I’ve lost the opportunity of loving again.

Even if I’ve lost them all. Even if I loved you that much… Even
if tears are falling as I write this entry because of my undying anger and hate…

… I’m that strong… I am

Bobo Ba Ako?

Ewan ko ba, sabi nila wala namang pinanganak na bobo. Meron na ring
tumawag sa kin na bobo pero di ko sineryoso kasi alam kong hindi naman
totoo.

Nakagradweyt ako ng Hayskul at Greydskul ng walang nakuhang honors o
kung ano man. Average student lang ako. Opo, nagkabagsak ako nung
Hayskul sa Math, pero binawi ko yun ng husto. May hinanakit pa nga ako
sa teacher ko, pero ibang storya na yun. Pero kahit ganun hindi ko
masasabi na bobo ako.

Pumasok ako ng Kolehiyo, dito nasubukan ang aking “talino.” Nasa isang
medyo respetado rin namang Unibersidad ako nag-aaral sa Maynila. Marami
ang nagtaasan ng kilay nang nakapasok ako dito, kasi yung mga
matatalino sa amin sa Hayskul bagsak, ako, kahit walang koneksiyon,
himalang nakapasa. Ang galing nga eh! Inisip ko na lang, para dun
siguro talaga ko.

Sa Kolehiyo ako nakatikim ng sunod-sunod na bagsak. Ang masakit pa dun,
pinaghihirapan ko ang mga subjects ko. Hindi ako yung tipo na tumatanga
na lang pag alam kong tagilid. “I won’t give in without a fight,” ika
nga. Ayun ang masakit dun, sana kung nagpabaya ako. Sino ba ang may
kasalanan? Siguro ako nga… palampasin.

Madalas maginit ang ulo ko pag napupunta ang usapan dito sa mga ganto.
Kasi pakiramdam ko ang tanga tanga ko. Biruin mo… sa ilang taon na
ipinalagi ko sa College of Enginieering and Technology, pinutakti ako
ng sandamakmak na bagsak (mahina ako sa math, pero hindi lang math ang
binabagsak ko… madami pang iba). Ang sakit isipin na gumastos ang
nanay at tatay ko sa wala, nagpakahirap ako sa wala. Wala rin naman
akong magawa.

Hindi ako gragraduate ngayong taon. Nakakahiya hindi ba? Ang mga
kasabayan ko ay magsisigraduate na at magsisipaghanap na ng trabaho,
habang ako ay nagpapakamatay pa rin sa wala. Magkakatrabaho pa kaya
ako? Mapapansin kaya nila ang mga nakahihilakbot na singko sa aking
record? Ano na ang mangyayari sa kin?

Sa totoo lang… hindi ko talaga alam…

Of Love, Parallels and Perpendiculars

There billions of thought about love, and i would like to give some of my own. I came up with beliefs i got from friends, lovers, and books that i’ve read. In writing this, I want to prove something. I would like to prove to myself how capable, and incable I am to love.

Parallel

A special someone told me that love is like a parallel road, you taking the other while he/she is taking the other path. You travel along each other, having different trials, triumphs, and defeat. The least thing you could do here is to look at the other person, talk to him or her and cheer him/her on. That’s it, because you’re living separate lives.

Perpendicular ( A criss-crossing road )

This is my belief. Same as Parallel, only you two meet at certain points. There are things you should deal with alone, but there are cases wherein you are the only one involved. I could not bare the thought that just when i need someone to pick me up because I could not manage to stand up someone would just be looking at me. In those kinds of situation, you would need someone to get out of his/her way, to make your roads meet, to help you.   

I know you like Oleta’s song. Get here if you can

killing the king bitch

I am not sorry for the death of the king bitch, my alter ego. In fact, I’m the one responsible for killing him. I stabbed him real hard, and I enjoyed every moment of watching him die. He once destroyed my life, and personally, I don’t really like him.

Last week, my voice echoed in my room. For days I have been chanting relentlessly. I’m calling upon the forces to revive him. I want him back, because I need him to do something; I need him to defend me.

The king bitch holds my dark and soft side (He’s the one falling in love, and not me). He is everything I’m not, and I admire him in so many ways. He moves differently, and he’s got his own way of dealing with things. He does it the nasty way. I gleefully call upon him if anything happens; he was my ego shield. In his own special way, he became my hero.

When I killed him, everything changed. And I was back to good old kicky who’s a crybaby and ignores things even if he’s really hurt.

Friends have abused me, and because I’m paranoid, I’m starting to think that I have been abused by (some) past lovers. I called him to deal with this, and he did.

I don’t think I’m happy with the results. I’ve had my revenge, but still, something’s lacking. It shouldn’t have happened. I became a monster again. Occasionally, he takes over and ruins everything. He is too strong for me. I need to plot something to get him out of the scene again. This is kicky’s life, and kicky’s body. Everything that happens should be dealt the kicky way. I’m storing all my energy to make the king bitch go away. I am sorry but I have to.

** I just realized that I’m the cause of every problem that occurred to me. I’ve let my friends abuse my best friend and I. I was too clingy, and bratty, and immature and ehrm… superficial? I can’t blame them.

**On second thoughts, why not merge with my “other” personality? Baka may pulis na makabasa, ikulong nga ako for murder. Hahaha! Or a personnel from the Mental Hospital, may phobia ako sa hospitals eh… hihihi!

bakit ganun ang pag-ibig?

Minsan ako’y nagmahal. Nagmahal ng lubos(hindi pala minsan, pag
nagmahal ako kasi, buhos). Hindi ko alam kung mali ang ginawa kong
pagmahal sa taong hindi ako mahal(pero minamahal ko pa rin, kahit
pasikreto na lang). Ano nga ba ang mahal? Napakadaling sabihing Mahal
kita, ngunit sa kabila nito’y wala naman talaga akong nadarama. Bakit
hindi na lang gusto kita, o importante ka sa kin. Bakit Mahal? Nagmahal
na ba ako, o gustong gusto ko lang talaga ang isang tao. Hindi ko alam.

Etong problema sa kin, lahat na lang ata ng dadaaan minamahal ko.
Desperado? Siguro. Ewan ko, nararamdaman ko e. Tama ba yun? Mali ba
yun? Bakit ganun, pag iniwan ka masakit? Dati ka naming nabubuhay ng
wala siya. Bakit ngayon malungkot ako, nanlalata, nakangiti, ngunit may
dinadalang mabigat na bagay. Ano ba yun? Bakit ganun?

Hindi naman talaga ko iniwan sa pagkakataong to, ngunit mas madalas
na ako ang iniiwan. Bakit? Kasi mokong ako. Sabihin na nating hindi
mataas ang tingin ko sa sarili ko. Hindi ko malubos mawari na magiging
kami, kung baga, kahit bali-baliktarin mo, panalo ako at lugi siya sa
kin. Ano ba naman yung sabihin kong panget ako… e totoo naman. Sabihin
kong mataba ako… totoo rin naman. Na mahirap akong mahalin. Kesa naman
sa sabihin kong gwapo ako, at maganda katawan, di ba mas panget.

Sa totoo lang sawa na ko. Pero “sour graping” lang yun ika nga.
Minsan maiisip mo pag may nakikita kang dalawang magkasintahan.
Nakakainggit. Sana ako rin… masaya. Masaya nga ba kung may minamahal ka
na? Ano ba nangyayari? Hindi ko alam. Masarap bang talagang umibig?
Nasa “cloud 9” ba talaga?

Oo, inggitero ako, naiinggit ako sa lahat ng nagugustuhan ko na
hindi ako. Bakit kaya sila ganun? Ako eto lagging nagmumukmok, lagging
malungkot. Oo na, nasa kin din yung problema. Pero naiitatanong ko sa
sarili ko. Wala na siguro talagang makapagtyatyaga sa kin. Makulit kasi
ako, isip bata, paiba-iba ng mood. Ano kaya patulan ko na yung pagsulat
sa kung saan ng “malungkot ang buhay ko,” may kumagat kaya? Ano kaya
mangyayari?

Masakit masarap magmahal. Totoo daw yun, may nabasa kasi ako na
e-mail, naluha pa ata ako nung nabasa ko. Sabi dun, Pag naghahanap ka
ng partner sa buhay para ka lumigaya, hindi pagmamahal yun, naghahanap
ka ng kaibigan. Pag naghahanap ka ng makakasama sa buhay, hinid
pagmamahal yun, natatakot ka lang na mabuhay ng mag-isa. Mali yung
naghahanap ka ng partner sa buhay dahil yung huli mo ay isang “failed
relationship” dahil kailanman hindi mo maitatama sa bago mo ang
kamalian na nagawa mo dun sa isa. Marami pa e. Basta tinamaan ako.

Kilala na siguro ng iba dyan kung sino yung
pinagmumukmukan ko madalas. E sa ganun eh, nararamdaman ko. Sa ngayon
wala pang pumapalit(at balak ko na talagang palitan). Kailangan ko ng
oras para maghilom ang sugat ni nagawa nung huli kong pag-ibig. Sa
kasamaang palad ako ay bigo. Bigo nanaman? Bakit nga ba ko lagging
bigo(ahhh… engot nga pala ko pagdating sa ganto). Kung sa dati’y
naghahanap ako ng makakasama, ng makakaintindi, ng isang taong
makakapagpadama sa kin na may nagmamahal sa kin, naghahanap pa rin ako…
Isang tao na bigla na alng dadating, papahirin ang luhang dumadaloy sa
king pisngi. Hindi sa lalagyan nya ng tuldok ang mga paghihirap,
sapagkat pag nangyari iyon, dalawa na kaming papasa sa anumang daluyong
na dadalhin sa amin ng buhay.

my childhood, my regrets

I have lived a life of mistakes. I’ve done things I shouldn’t have done, and now, it’s all too late. My life had evolved into something I don’t want it to turn into. There are a lot of things I miss; my childhood, my friends, and the person who I used to be.

As a child, I never really expected much. I love music, animals, my sister and my family. That’s all that I ever had, and I was content. Watching television and playing with my sister, my cousins and my childhood friends make my day. Life was simple, and I was happy then.

Next thing I know, I’m already in high school. Things became a bit more complicated. I never knew I’ve forgotten how it feels like to be a child. I was so excited being an adult. I tried new things, got influenced and all. I fell in love. Damn it feels so good, yet I am not fulfilled. There’s this certain longing for more; more things, and then drop off the old luggage. I threw away the luggage that contained my memories.

Now I’m 19, soon to be 20. Still young you might say… but before I know it, I’ll 30, then 40, then if worst comes worst, I’ll be 70.

I miss a lot of things. But I just can’t pick up the luggage I threw away. It contains my innocence.

I miss the days when my sister and I used to play around the house. Then I would call on my cousins to come and play with us. – Never again would this happen, I’m 19, and she’s 22. I’m busy with school and she’s busy with her work. We’re adults now, people like us don’t do that anymore. My cousins, too, are already in high school and college.

I miss the days with my cousins, the way we joke around and go to places we weren’t supposed to go to. – Because of family problems, they’re far away from me now. Whenever I meet them, it’s just a Hi-Hello thing. Some already have families, and other priorities.

I miss the old TV shows. – I was really entertained by Shaider and Bioman, and programs like that. I could watch them all over again, but it’s really different when you’re watching things the first time. My sister and I know the schedule perfectly then.

I miss my grandfather. He really loves us. I wish I had told him I love him before he left us… I was young then, but it’s not an excuse…

I miss my old friends. I should’ve thanked them all for making me happy, and for doing things for me… we forgot each other now… I really am sorry if I see you on the street and didn’t even bother to greet you.

I really miss my sister and my cousins… I mean the little people we used to be… I can’t bear the thought that we are old now, and in time, all are just memories, and one by one we will eventually die, and never ever see or know each other again.

I miss my mum and dad. Now that we’re older, I never got to kiss them or hug them. I know that they love me, and they know I love them but we never showed it. I used to kiss them or make mano… but I forgot how to do that. I’m sorry… I really am sorry. I can’t do that anymore. I fear that in doing that, He would realize that I’ve realized my mistakes… then in I few hours I’ll die. Stupid reason no? I don’t know. I miss the way they kiss me goodnight, or attend to my needs when I’m sick. The days when we used to go out, that we seldom do because of economic reasons. I’m afraid that one day, He would take you people away from me, and I never got to tell you how I love you so, and how I care for you, and how important you are to me. What if I got to go first, who knows?

I regret turning down people I know. The wrong decisions I’ve made. Then I wallow, because again, I know it’s my loss. I’m sorry if I did mean things to you. I would like to say sorry. But then again, you cannot hear that.

I should’ve chosen this; I should’ve chosen that. Maybe I should’ve been a different person, a person more likable. Not only do I hate myself, but lots of people around me also hates me.

I want to change some things in my life. I want to be a better person. It’s not too late to change. I was just thinking about those things. What if, I never get to meet them again? These are the things people forget. Don’t commit the same mistakes I did. I sure hope I could live longer, because up to now I don’t know where to start. I suspect that in the end, my soul gets to burn in hell.

dream a dream

I have been in constant search of love and friendship. Persons I meet on cyber space and reality come and go, leaving their marks on me. I’ve learned much from them, but in the number of years of my continuous hunt, none of them clicked.

Of all the pains life brought me, I have learned to shield myself, ignoring feelings and convincing myself into thinking about something else. I have developed a defense mechanism that I thought would ward off the things I know would make me unhappy.

Recently, I discovered that I was falling in love from one person to another easily. Just like a snap, snap… Fear struck me. Why is it that the ones I really like turns out to be the “wrong” one? Or there are things I know that acted as a barrier, telling me to back off and kill whatever it is I’m feeling towards the person. Maybe that was out of my desperate need to have someone. But come to think of it, there’s time for everything, and i was in such a hurry. I would then say to myself that what I’m feeling’s only infatuation; the person can never be yours because of this, because of that. Days after, for unknown reasons, I would feel really sad and would know something’s wrong.

Since then, I’ve always felt sad, and I’ve had these negative outlooks in life. This time, I would like to find happiness. When you see me in a room in chat thingies, I appear to be happy and jolly, telling myself to at least be like that to find someone to talk to and temporarily erase that bad feeling. Trying to be happy even if deep inside, I still feel hurt.

I wish I were living in a dream. At least there I could be happy, and feel loved. At least I could forget all the pain and sorrow that’s been bombarding me all my life. But no, because I’ve always been slapped by reality, that living in this world means means a million tanks of hurt and suffering.

Someone told me that I have a very low self-esteem, and that I’ve been drowning myself in self-pity, and that I’ve already been devoured by pessimism. I would always, make these my topic, warning my chat mates to expect this and that of me. He also told me not to talk about that to anyone because he finds it rude. Partly right, but the thing is, I need to talk these things out to somebody. I need someone to at least understand me and sympathize with me. He spoke painful words, but I accepted them because I’ve been wrong, and I knew he was also going through something.

Still, I feel sad. I admit that I am a pessimist and that I feel bad bout myself(but now I’m trying to control it). I don’t really have much to offer. Sana, I could just live in a dream, but it’s not possible, and all I could do is wait. I know someone’s out there whose not living in a dream to rescue me from all this. Then I would be happy.

of letting someone go

You float on air, feel very light, with happy expressions pouring. You’ve found the person you’ve been looking for all your life. You’ll share those happy moments; trap them in your memories to cherish in the future. All your life, you’ve waited for this… you have dreamed of this.

Moments of sadness are now gone. Feeling loved and content, you continue with your life of joy that seems never-ending. Then it comes, the moment wherein you have to give up the most important thing ever. Your entire dream shatters into pieces; you could not believe this is for real. You would reason out to yourself, saying that this cannot be. You’ll do stupid things, can’t eat, won’t speak, you wallow all day and all night.

A line from Dishwalla’s song somewhere in the middle goes like this “when you drink it makes you angry, when I drink I want you more, and more, and more.” Is that the way you were supposed to love? Be a fool for love, and continue even if it means pain?

You blame everything including yourself. And then you would wake from all that. You would realize the stupidity of the things you’re doing not only to yourself, but also to the people around you. You would now think using your brain. In loving someone, you should learn how to let go. Learn to leave something for yourself, and the people who love you. The thought that the person’s leaving you means he/she is not happy about the things going on between the two of you. Just be happy for him/her, for definitely there are things that are not meant to be and there are realtionships that tend to end so fast. Be glad that you were able to love, and that you were loved back. The best thing to do now is to continue with your life and eventually, you’ll find someone else to love. Then you would be happy… Again…